He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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