you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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