was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I have already put on my inside pants.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
