There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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