So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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