I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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