A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Randomize
