Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
God, I missed his penis.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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