we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
