I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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