I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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