she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
In other news, I just burned my penis
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
