halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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