Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
