I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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