got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
