Sry I called you an 8
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
