I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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