So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
