I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
