I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
