I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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