EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
