what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
