Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
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