I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
