Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
