I'm eating all of the evidence.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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