I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm always down for nudity.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
