I cockslap morals
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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