Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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