I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
this hospital has no fireball
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
