I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
