In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
