this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
