ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
