He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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