hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
