So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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