Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
