so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
