??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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