Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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