first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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