Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
