Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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