If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
