Umm I'm too high to move.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
