dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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