Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
