I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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