I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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