I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
